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week 14 / 15, the good difficult & the etc.

April 19, 2020

Ten days later. Spring sprung.

sloppy joes, roasted potatoes, pasta salad popcorn dice games in the gin, grandma pie lemon cookies salad and kid brother traveled across the country to be at his dying father’s bedside, burritos turkey kale soup with ginger late night bacon, egg and cheese sandwiches Land of the Lost. Lasagna.

Brother returns beef stew. And his father died at home surrounded by his family.

Maybe the knot in my stomach is from nerves or the honey in my tea or not having Life Insurance or a Last Will and Testament. Grateful to keep my hands busy while my mind, heart, and spirit drift above me into placidity.

But this is not to be a regular autobiography: I am only bound to invoke memory where I know her responses will possess some degree of interest; therefore I now pass a space of eight years almost in silence: a few lines only are necessary to keep up links of connection. (from Jane Eyre, p. 103)

Strange days to start a new journal (and the only Moleskine 5×8 ruled journal that was available was red). Weird.  And, had to put the sourdough starter into hibernation because there’s no flour available at the TWO main (read only) stores in Crescent City, California (that’d be a Walmart and a Safeway). Imagine that. NO COMPLAINTS.

friend chicken cutlets veg and toasted fideos with charred onions until tonight stuffed cabbage with oven roasted cauliflower. I didn’t eat with the family tonight because I was having a moment… feeling a little lost, unnerved, hurt, absent slightly disassociated at the same time grateful for our bounty while at the same time feeling unappreciated for the meal that I prepared. And feeling profoundly, unavoidably out of place here, like not a part of the party. Not not invited and feeling like I’m never gonna be invited to the party, and that I’ve never been. Ever. 

MUSIC: Comfort food. Joy and gratitude for all the artists that have kept me company for decades and continue to do so. This week to include, but not limited to, Siouxsie and the Banshees. Specially today their album Hyena (1984) and my favorite tune off that record, Swimming Horses. Added to the playlist.

2020 Playlist (so far and in this specific order)

  1. Time by Jungle
  2. Severed Crossed Fingers by St. Vincent
  3. Lemon Glow by Beach House
  4. 666 by Bon Iver
  5. The World at Night (for Stew) by Walter Martin
  6. The Place I Love by The Jam
  7. The Great Pretender by Brian Eno
  8. Hot Freaks by Guided by Voices
  9. I Like That by Janelle Monáe
  10. Spare-Ohs by Andrew Bird
  11. This is To Mother You by Sinéad O’Connor
  12. Cry to Me by Idles
  13. A Little Lost by Sufjan Stevens
  14. Holes by Matt Berninger
  15. Swimming Horses by Siouxsie and The Banshees

Next artist/tune for next week(s) TBD because clearly all bets are off during this Global Pandemic COVID19-era. And, as daily soundtrack KEXP (Seattle) and RTE Lyric FM (out of Ireland) radio fill the house with all types of music new and old…and comfort food.

Bird watching in the backyard staying interesting. In the past 10 days I’ve noted (as have the other residents in the Murphy Ave Menagerie as they are getting into it 🙂 This week we saw our first American Goldfinch! One solitary Goldfinch and that was a spark of joy in the house.

 

Some stuff has been happening to me. That I’m still figuring out in my body, mind, heart.

One thing that I’m digesting is that I did not get one of the coveted spots in the Veterans Writing Project, an opportunity I did decent writing preparation mind and vulnerability for, but I knew in my heart-of-hearts that other Vets with stronger drive and diligence deserved to get. Maybe because being a Vet isn’t my Master status. And maybe not having nor desiring a Master status in perpetuity is one of my various and wonderful (to me) cruxes. I need to keep writing and take this time to put some words together, something that has a beginning middle end. Maybe that’s enough or at least could be enough for me to put my six years of military service to bed–the good, bad, weird, punk, sad, afraid, okay and basic.

One of the best moments these past 10 days was reading @timmmmyboy (my one and only True #4life Chefstie, duh) describe how this current moment has positively impacted his cooking at home. I’ll take it. And adore it and can’t wait to get back into it!

Lastly, to break-in the new stand mixer: Basque Burnt Cheesecake (using BA’s recipe). If you know me at all you know that I’m not a dessert person, but everyone else in the house is so here’s this weighing-in at 2.25lbs hashtag gross (and I had a sliver and it was super yummy. So, there’s that.)

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