Spring Weekend at UConn : A Time to Eat Chicken Nuggets
The University of Connecticut is gearing up this week for its annual Spring Weekend. To give you an idea of mayhem Spring Weekend inserts in the UConn campus community here’s what a recent report from the President’s Task Force to “De-escalate Spring Weekend” said
Spring Weekend has without question become a magnet for toxic behavior and criminality that poses too great a risk to the UConn community for the university to tolerate it any longer in its current form. This is our sole motivation in seeking to diminish it.
I found myself on campus during Spring Weekend ’07 (my first academic year at UConn). I did not participate in the festivities. Not because I’m prudish mind you, mostly because I was being scholarly and stuff.
Evidenced by the comfortable chaos of my living space …
Go Huskies, you nugget eatin’ madmen! [April 17, 2007]
Have you ever witnessed a chicken nugget eating contest?
If the answer is “yes” read no further, you’ve already witnessed the horrors I am about to detail. Reading this might bring up very bad memories which cause you nightmares.
If the answer is “no” read on, at your own risk.
On the way to 207 Hebron Hall, after a fine evening of Confirmatory Factor Analysis, I came upon a crowd of people. My initial impression, “sausage fest.” The truth, nugget fest. Today, as a kick off to this weekend’s traditionally apocolyptic SPRING WEEKEND, one the fraternities at UCONN hosted a Chicken Nugget Eating Contest.
The rules: 3 minutes, 30 nuggets
In other words, the first person to consume 30 nuggets (donated by Wendy’s) in 3 minutes or less would be called the Big Weiner.
The contestants: 18-22 year old man-boys
The scenario: outside lined up along a 20 foot table, side-by-side. Across the table from each contestant was a “spotter” aka another man-boy who would count the nuggets, intervene if the contestant appear to be choking to death, and provide water (and shove the eaters away from the table if they looked like they were gonna toss it).
Me: standing among the sausages, a lone female spectator among a crowd of shouting, grunting man-boys.
I circulated around the crowd before the event to see if anyone was taking bets. I asked several spectators, “which one is your horse?” They didn’t get it of course. One young man said, “The guy with the red bandana is my friend. He’s been practicing. He can eat 50 nuggets in 4 minutes.” I thought, “hmm. The contest is 30 nuggest in 3 minutes, yes, that strategy makes perfect sense.” (wutt??)
I attempted to school several members of the crowd on the makings of a champion eater. I told them that all of the big, hefty man-boys didn’t stand a chance against the little guys, especially those of asian decent. [Note: If you follow eating contests you will know the winners, whether its sushi or hot dogs, are always petite asian brothers.] The spectators shrugged off my commentary while at the same time thought, “She totally wants to fuck me.”
#1 Nugget stacking, piling, gridding, arranging strategically [Why?]
#2 Nugget moistening [F*Bomb gross]
#3 Sauces [No time for dipping here boys!]
#4 Drunk, coked up, speeded out, and high contestants
#5 The buddy cheerleaders [“Go man, you can do it, eat those nuggets!”]
#6 Spotters not puking
#7 Contestant closest to me stuffing his mouth so full of nuggets he gagged, then expelled chicken nugget snot… out of both nostrils. [I did not puke.]
#8 No one puked
#9 No one puked
#10 The littlest dude won!